Recently a close friend suddenly and completely severed our relationship.
It was shocking because it was so unexpected and so radical.
He offered no explanation, didn’t return my emails, and slammed the door on a five-year wonderful relationship.
It made me wonder what was going on in my friend’s life for him to act like this. Not only was it unnecessary, as a simple phone or in-person meeting could have cleared up whatever was bothering him, his action also severed a long term business relationship. I was planning to come out with new products I’d create with his help. This is wealth he’ll now miss out on receiving, as I can always do the products with someone else.
I told another friend about this troubling experience and he said, “It’s simply your turn.”
He went on to explain that the friend who turned against me had gotten mad at virtually every close friend over the years, including the one I was talking to.
As I thought about it, I realized this was a self destruction or self sabotage pattern.
Whenever things hit some sort of internal button, my old friend hit a switch inside his brain and flipped out. He’s been mad at every single mutual friend we have. Apparently it really is my turn.
I thought about this and wondered why we don’t see our self-destruct patterns, or if we do, interrupt them and stop them. It made me wonder about self sabotage and self destruction in myself and others.
I was in Krakow, Poland as I lay awake one night and reflected on all this. My mind was digging into the psychological motivations for acting out self destruction. After what seemed like hours I came to the conclusion that we don’t see our patterns while we’re in them. We only see them later, after the dust has settled and we can see clearly again. At that point, shame and regret often kick in.
But why don’t we see the pattern as it’s happening?
I remember an attorney once telling me that the human machine isn’t wired to admit fault. We will simply find it easier to blame others.
I also remember Dr. Hew Len, my coauthor for Zero Limits, saying that none of us want to take responsibility for what occurs. It’s too hard. Or said the other way, it’s just so easy to point fingers at others.
I asked Andrzej Batko (pictured above with me), an NLP master trainer and the wonderful man who brought me to Poland (twice so far) to hold Law of Attraction events in Warsaw, what he thought about self-destruction.
“It’s a mind trick,” he said. “I don’t usually see the self sabotage pattern in myself until after it’s over. If I’m aware, I can start to catch it before I repeat it.”
What can we do about this trick of the mind?
There appears to be two ways to stop self destruction or self sabotage:
1. Awareness. When you’re aware of a pattern, you can begin to interrupt it with a new behavior or insight so you don’t repeat it. This takes work. One book that can help is Why Is This Happening to Me …Again? by Michael Ryce. My own book, The Key, is also useful. Also, my Awakening Course can be the turning point for you.
2. Coaching. When you have a skilled coach to help reflect your behavior and thoughts back to you, you can more easily escape the unconscious spiral of self-destruction. If you don’t mind the plug, I suggest you check out the Joe Vitale Miracles Coaching program. It’s been helping thousands of people for more than four years now.
How important is coaching?
On the way to see the Leopard sports car, a hand made limited edition roadster made in Poland, I met a man who took all the money he made in one year and gave it to a coach for one year of training.
Consider that: he took an entire year’s wages to get one year of weekly coaching. He said this transformed his life. He’s now a successful, self-employed entrepreneur.
My friend with the self-destruct pattern of getting mad at friends will have to find his way out of the maze. I’ll continue to love him, clean on the experience with ho’oponopono, and monitor my own life for any signs of the mind trick that stops most of us from the success we truly want to attract.
Meanwhile, reflect on the patterns in your own life.
It may truly be time for a change.
PS — All above photos, taken in Warsaw, are by Grzegorz Sylla of www.fotani.com in Poland.